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Home ยป Kids ยป Be kind – for every mom you meet is fighting a war of some kind!

Be kind – for every mom you meet is fighting a war of some kind!

This post is fueled by exhaustion, preggy hormones and extreme irritation! I sometimes wonder if we as, adults and parents, will ever get to a point where we stop trying to justify our decisions by making other people feel their are wrong. Will we ever reach a point of acceptance and tolerance?

I think people often assume that I am anti-breastfeeding and natural birth and similar such things when in fact I really am not. To be honest, unless you are abusing your child in any way or putting their lives in danger,  I really do not care how you parent. Parenting is really hard and is plagued by such self doubt, who am I to add to that by further judging you. What I do care about is the total dis-respect for the choices I make as a parent.

Think about it for a minute!

When asked why a parent co-sleeps have you not heard (or read) it is because they don’t want their child to feel abandoned and it strengthens the bond! What does that imply for me as a non co-sleeper? That I want to abandon my kid? Or that I don’t have a bond with them?

Why not say – co-sleeping works for OUR FAMILY! It is not always easy but we make it work! FINISHED! No-one feels like they have to justify their choice and no-one feels they are a bad parent.

And breastfeeding moms – I breastfeed because it is the BEST thing for my baby, they won’t get sick and no studies show they apparently get smarter! Oh ok – well I don’t like my baby very much so I am going to shove a bottle in his mouth and hope he at least finds a trade!

Why not say – breastfeeding was easy for us both so we carried on with it. That way the mom who physically can not do it doesn’t feel like even more of a failure!

My favourite are those anti-sleep training people! More mention of the child feeling abandoned and unloved. Because this is JUST what an exhausted first time mom whose baby never sleeps and has tried just about everything else wants to hear!

Why not, instead, offer to take the baby for an hour or a coffee date or something that will actually make the mother feel like it is not hopeless!

Or the I cook all my childs food because the stuff in the shops is poison! Yes it is but whats a little poison between family members right? The mom who works 9 hours a day really needed to hear that to make her feel like a champion mom!

Why not rather offer to make meals for that mom – you will earn your Mandela Day sticker and the satisfaction of knowing you made someones life a little easier!

It is all such bullshit (sorry Marcia)!

Make your choices! Stick to them and be proud but do not make those around feel like they love their children any less or aren’t doing the best they can!

I watched a mom on twitter yesterday, who is having a really rough time with her baba, be made to feel so crap in one tweet. I was so angry for her. She is a great mom who was reaching out for help and support but instead was made to feel like she was over reacting.

If you have a child then you know how hard some days are. Today at Moms and Tots Jack threw 2 delightfully large tantrums – he threw his juice all over the classroom, then threw  himself down on the floor. 20 minutes later he threw his peanuts all over! At that point I shed a tear! You know what the others moms did – they shared stories of when their children has thrown public tantrums because the reality is even the most together mom has kids who throw a tantrum or two!

So before you want to imply that your choice is the ONLY choice – think a little. Maybe that mom just needs a hug instead (or a bottle of screw top wine)

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13 Comments

  1. Denise
    31 July, 2013 / 4:30 pm

    Laura! You are so right! It’s judge judge judge! I may not agree with what you do as a parent but chances are you don’t agree with my choices either. I do judge, all the time, it’s human nature but I judge privately because i know we all do the best we can with the information we have!

  2. Mrs FF
    31 July, 2013 / 5:40 pm

    Totally agree. Except you are wearing the shoes, you don’t know where (or if) it hurts. My believe is do what works for your family and don’t assume because you do something one way or the other that is the best way. The sky is big enough for all birds to fly ๐Ÿ™‚

  3. 31 July, 2013 / 8:14 pm

    Don’t stop your passion on my account ๐Ÿ™‚

    100% agree with you. The phrase “in our family” or “for our family” should be taught to all women when they become mothers ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. ankia
    1 August, 2013 / 4:18 am

    Very well said and I agree with every word! X

  5. 1 August, 2013 / 7:42 am

    This is all very true. But I must say I wish I had pro-breastfeeding and pro-natural online community on my side with my first born. I breastfed and had a natural birth and from everyone in real life I got constant flack. With my second I didn’t care anymore, but it was very difficult with my first.

    I also did sleep training (more than once), but the only person judging me is myself. I hate myself for doing it, but I had no other choice. Had to get some sleep to function at work. Unfortunately the sleep training did not work perfectly, but we are getting some sleep now.

    • LauraKim
      Author
      1 August, 2013 / 12:25 pm

      Rene – this is sort of my point (maybe not this point but one of them) – there is very little support for moms who WANT to breastfeed and go natural BUT there are LOADS of voices shouting at the formula/caesar moms – rather use that voice to help!

  6. 1 August, 2013 / 10:59 am

    Amen to that! Well said. I totally agree!

  7. Kajol
    1 August, 2013 / 11:10 am

    Amen! Unfortunately most mums think that parenting is one big competition – its quite sad though, coz parenting is when women (especially), need all the support (in whatever form) they can get.
    i suppose to some extent we all do judge but to be vocal about things merely to say that your way should be made a textbook is debilitating, to those around you and yourself…
    for the record, i breastfed for 4 months, but it stopped working for us when i had to come back to work so that was that .
    also i sleep trained our baby at 7 months (wasn’t in the least bit easy) coz i was a time bomb waiting to happen, she’s 2 and half now, no evident damage has been done, and we’re a much happier, more composed family – BUT thats coz it worked for US!!

    good post Laura, now if only mums would take heed.
    PS: Congrats on your pregnancy!! ๐Ÿ™‚

  8. 1 August, 2013 / 12:10 pm

    Well said Laura, I 100% agree.

  9. 1 August, 2013 / 4:48 pm

    Preach it sister!!!!!

    We need a lot more unconditional love and acceptance and a lot less judgement. When I had my first child I was 18 years old, had a husband that worked 12 hour days and no family for 600 km. I didn’t have a clue what I was doing as there was no magical “how to” book that came with my little son. I made heaps of mistakes but it was covered with the love we showed over him.

  10. 3 August, 2013 / 11:41 am

    Great post!

    Two things:
    1. If you are truly comfortable with your choices then other peoples judgement/opinions won’t bother you in the least. You also won’t feel the need to justify your choices. SO, I usually tell new moms that there is no right or wrong, there is only what is right for THEIR kid, THEIR family, THEM. As long as they feel comfortable with it.

    2. I have been observing this behaviour for a long time – you will notice that I don’t get involved EVER. I believe that BOTH sides are guilty of judgement. All the pros and the antis. The sleep-trainers and the non-trainers, the cs moms and the nvd moms, the bf moms and the formula moms. They are ALL guilty.

    3.

  11. 6 August, 2013 / 12:47 pm

    Oh wow! A powerful post you wrote here. I have to admit, I was guilty a few times in the past where I too wrote that I think this or that way is wrong.

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