The Day The Music Died
I have documented my children’s lives both here and on my social media pages. It only made sense to document this and I have not been able to really put words to paper until now – and even as I type this I am not sure I will publish today.
Cameron took his own life on the 26 August 2024. I hear my mom’s voice telling me constantly in my head. Everything that happened from that point is such a blur but what I do know is it shattered my world. It literally tore it into a million tiny pieces and right now – just over 3 weeks later – it still doesn’t feel real.
Obviously his death was such a deep shock but the reason really shook us all to the core and left me with so much guilt that I didn’t know or I didn’t see the signs.
Him and I would talk almost daily. I knew what was going on in his life. I knew when he was struggling and having bad days. When it got too much at the beginning of the year, he came home and we worked through it. I knew he was unsure about what his next steps where but we talked through it, we discussed options and scenarios and eventually 6 months later we had a plan. The pieces started to fall into place and every time I checked in with him, he said he was doing well. He had a great circle of friends. He had my parents and Kiara.
But he was battling demons that I knew nothing about and I think that will forever break my heart.
He left a few of us videos and it took me a while to watch them, they bought me so much peace. He tried so hard to be happy but the darkness just wouldn’t go anywhere. He had the degree, he had the job, he had the friends, he had the bike he had always wanted but still, he felt like the darkness would never leave him.
It absolutely shattered my heart to hear him say that and I wish every day he had said something because maybe we could have done something. But he had a reached a point of peace. He was not hysterical or frantic – he had just reached the end.
He knew he was loved. He knew I would have done absolutely anything for to help him. It just wasn’t enough.
It has only been 3 weeks but somedays it feels like years and other days it feels like I have just found out. We are all trying to come to terms with him not being here and it honestly feels impossible.
I never, for a moment, imagined living in a world without him.
3 Responses
Laura, I am so very sorry and I wish with all my heart that you did not have to go through this. May Cameron rest in the most perfect peace, and may you find the peace you need. Sending you all our love.
Xxxx
I think of you every day. I am so sorry!
I wish you enough of whatever you need every minute of every day. 💜 Peace for your much loved boy, Cameron.
You wrote beautifully.